My Story

Mike

Being | Doing | SPAM

At times, productivity means doing nothing at all.
Gina Greenlee

8 August 2022

I’ve been hassling myself lately that I spend too much time doing what looks like nothing, that I should be doing more to contribute to my world. This is, for many people, the defining issue of retirement. I am grateful to have been given many gifts and talents. Am I letting them go to waste? And as I enjoy the normality at this point of no symptoms from the cancer condition, should I use that opportunity to serve and show my gratitude for this magical life I lead? Volunteer to use my coaching skills? Work with kids in a reading program? Serve those who have no homes (SO many now in Sacramento)?

Our western culture is obsessed with doing. It seems that we as human doings are much more highly valued than we as human beings. This is especially true in the United States, and especially true among those of my generation, where stress over work and life is a badge of honor to be boasted about. Conversely, Hinduism defines four distinct stages in life: the Student (approx. ages 1-25), the Householder (approx. ages 26-50), the Retiree (approx. ages 51-75) and the Renunciant (approx. age 76+). While the descriptions of these stages are rather extreme, I find I can learn something from this structure: it’s ok in my stage of life to do “nothing.” The caveat I’ll add, though, is that I perform every action and interaction with kindness and compassion…that’s for selfish reasons. In other words, I’m making it ok for me to be a human BEING.

On a slightly different note, I want to share that today (8 August) is National SPAM Musubi Day! You gotta know that Hawaiian media outlets, grocery store web sites, tourist info sites and even a few government web sites are abuzz with news of this major event. Most of you know that Joan and I have a home in Hilo, Hawai’i, and one can’t be involved with the spirit of Hawai’i without having some involvement with SPAM, which comprises one of Hawai’i’s major food groups. SPAM musubi (pronounced moo-soo-BEE) is a delectable concoction of fried SPAM topped with a bit of savory sauce, enfolded in sushi rice and wrapped in a sheet of nori seaweed. So throttle back on your judgments until you’ve actually tried it…

And if you have an L&L Hawaiian Barbecue nearby, you can download a coupon and get a free serving of SPAM musubi today to savor the joy. (No, I’m not getting any perks from L&L for this…I just want to share a free deal with the folks I love.)

There…I’ve done something in service. I’ve shared the possibility of a freebee associated with my beloved Hawai’i. Maybe my life has purpose after all.

I have a distribution list to notify folks when I publish a new post (which can be infrequent). If you’re not already on the notification list, please just send an e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll gladly put you on the list.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Äiti

The same substance composes us–the tree overhead, the stone beneath us, the bird, the beast, the star–we are all one, all moving to the same end.
P.L. Travers

3 August 2022

I’ve just received an e-mail message from my friend and AFS-brother Pekka to let me know that Ulla Nykänen…Äiti…has passed away. Fifty-five years ago, as an excited 17-year-old, I went to live part of a summer as an exchange student with a family in a Viiala, a factory town in central Finland. Isä (“Father” Pentti Nykänen) and Äiti (“Mother”), together with their sons Matti and Pekka and their daughters Liisa and Eeva, welcomed me with great love and generosity into their home. It was a few weeks that changed my young life. My eyes and heart opened to see and experience a world different yet similar to the one in which I was raised. Yes, there were different foods and customs, as well as a different worldview. But as the years passed and as I looked back on my time with this family, it was their kindness and generosity that impacted my life the most.

Isä, that very good man, passed many years ago, but Äiti passed just yesterday, at the age of 99 years, and as Pekka told me, she was aware, alert and independent to the very end of her life. Sisu is an untranslatable word in the Finnish language that is about strength, perseverance, total honesty, independence and unquestionable integrity and character. You’ll find it’s what the Finns are about if you have the good fortune to get to know them. It’s also what Äiti was about. You didn’t mess with her, and you certainly didn’t mess up her kitchen. I still have the fondest memories of her pulla (Finnish sweet bread) at breakfast, kesäkeitto (summer soup) and kalakukko (a rather complex dish of fish baked in a loaf of bread…amazing stuff). She showed her love through the food she served us, but she offered much more than her wonderful food. To me, as a somewhat naïve and insecure young man, she offered her quiet strength and example. Yes, this was many years ago, but there are some things one doesn’t forget easily.

I’ve wondered why Äiti’s passing has affected me so deeply, and it strikes me that I’ve become very aware of late of two important factors in my life. First, as you might expect, my mortality. It will a surprising miracle (a welcome one, of course) if this cancer thing doesn’t take me out. That’s just the way it is. It’s not so much death that I think about but what to do with the rest of my life. The passing of any person, especially of someone I care about, increases the immediacy of that question. And, the fact is that we are ALL in that situation, and it offers us a gift if we choose to accept it, the gift of motivation to live fully.

The fact that we are all living a very short life leads to the second consideration that looms large in my awareness these days. Our connectedness. I’ve mentioned that I’ve been thinking about the nature of consciousness, and now I’m reading an excellent book on recent research in psychedelics. Agnostic that I am, I’m becoming more and more convinced that we’re all connected in ways more profound than we can even conceive. And not just connected as human beings, but connected with all creation. So I’m connected with Äiti, with my friends in Finland, Thailand, Australia, Sweden, Spain, Canada, and with each of you. The World Wide Web is more, I think, than just a mechanism for transferring text and images. And the notion of being intimately connected with stars and galaxies places me in a state of awe and fearful joy. To be honest, the mystic in me longs for a deep experience of that connection.

But after all that, I want to return to where I started with a simple statement: Kiitos, Äiti.

Mike

Doors Opening / Gratitude

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Winston S. Churchill

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.
Albert Einstein

29 July 2022

Progress report: today I got shot up for the first time with Lupron, a female hormone that is supposed to suppress the production of testosterone, which, Iʻm told, encourages the growth of the tumors that have moved into the bones of this body. The nurse promised hotflashes as a probable side effect (woohoo!)…I havenʻt gone there yet. And no other effect that I can tell except perhaps the onset of a strong desire to shop for cosmetics at Wal-Mart.

I havenʻt posted for quite a few days, although my mind has been coming up with quite a bit of stuff that Iʻve wanted to share. Itʻs like doors have been opening to powerful concepts and opportunities. The fact is, however, that Iʻve had a very low energy reserve of late, and Iʻve also been too lazy to sit down and actually put together a post. But Iʻve come across some cool stuff, like the possibilities of cannabis and aspects of the nature of consciousness. To be continued…

Now the gratitude part.
Two weeks ago, Joan and I spent a couple days at a cabin in the Lake Tahoe area owned by our dear friends Rick and Vickie. While there, I was plagued by a nagging cough (still am, in fact) that was a side effect of a bone strengthening infusion Iʻd had several days earlier. Cough, cough, cough. Aside from being pretty exhausting, it has subjected Joan to a lot of stress. So the first night we were there, I went to bed early, having taken some cough medicine, and after lying down, I realized I wasnʻt coughing. I was almost brought to tears by the feeling of gratitude. When I manage to focus on (even the momentary) blessing rather than the difficulty, itʻs amazing how gratitude can step in.

Have you noticed recently how beautiful the world can be? Yes, thereʻs Ukraine, and January 6, and North Korea, and China destroying Hong Kongʻs freedoms, and much more. As Joan and I sat near the Truckee River two weeks ago (in the pic), I could feel the breeze on my skin, smell the aroma of sun on pine needles, hear the birds and the trickling of the river. And I could look all around me and see beauty everywhere. When was the last time you did something like that? When was the last time you invited the world to heal your heart and soul?
Iʻm an unabashed sensualist. I love the feel of sun and cool breeze on my naked skin. I love the scent of flowers and forest. I love the sound of birdsong and of rain on the roof. And I can only experience that fully if I pay attention and allow myself to open.
Some say that when we die, we just merge with all of nature. Yʻknow, Iʻd be real OK with that.

I have a distribution list to notify folks when I publish a new post (which can be infrequent). If you’re not already on the notification list, please just send an e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll gladly put you on the list.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, peace, love and joy in abundance.

Mike

Manboobs

It must be really difficult to be normal.
Cass van Krah

21 July 2022

Those of you who know me well know that I am not normal. I tend to do things quirkily. So this bunch of crud (salivary duct carcinoma) that has decided to take residence in intimate quarters within my body is quite rare, and it is even more strange that it has moved into the bones. A sample was sent out to a genetic lab to look for something my medical team could grab onto, and they found only one little possibility. Joan and I met with our oncologist this morning, and here’s what we know:

  • The bones in this body are gradually transforming into lumps of mush.
  • The rate of transformation seems to be rather slow, but we’re not really certain about that.
  • Tests found no genetic markers or mutations that would allow for highly promising, targeted genetic therapy.
  • This condition is so rare that there has been very little research on it and pharmaceutical companies stand to make no money at all off of me so no particular remedy has been identified or developed.
  • There are (only) three treatment trials happening (worldwide) on the organism, but I don’t qualify for any of them.
  • General purpose, blast-the-hell-out-of me, let’s-try-it-anyway chemotherapy would be of little promise and would involve REALLY unpleasant side effects.
  • The only item of promise revealed by the tests is a receptor that is the same as a receptor found on prostate cancer cells (although this is NOT prostate cancer). This receptor reacts to the presence of testosterone by stimulating growth of the tumor, so the only treatment that promises any level of effectiveness is to inhibit the presence of testosterone in the body.
  • The treatment, which is also given to patients with prostate cancer, consists of a monthly injection plus a daily tablet.
  • The final takeaway from the meeting is that planning my memorial is not at present an urgent issue…also additional evidence that I am not normal.

Hormone therapy to limit the presence of testosterone. Hmmm. I wasn’t expecting that. Will I have to change my wardrobe? Will I be able to sing again in the lovely soprano voice I had as a member of St. Joachim’s School Choir 65 years ago in Buffalo? Will things…uh…withdraw inward?
Probably none of those, but here are some side effects that ARE very possible:

  • (Advantage) Possibly more hair to fill in my prominent bald spot.
  • (Disadvantage) Fat accumulation in places where I DON’T want to accumulate it.
  • (Advantage) Maybe slower tumor growth.
  • (Disadvantage) Lower energy levels.
  • (Disadvantage or Advantage, depending on one’s sense of æsthetics) Maybe grow manboobs.

So you might wonder how I’m feeling about all this. I’m not sure. No big drama. Now at least we know something and we can plan, especially our return to our home in Hawaiʻi. It would have been nice to have been given access to some genetic wonder drug that would not only have eliminated the cancer but might have made me bionic grandpa. But, you know, I’m grateful for all I have. Not much pain at this point. Just living in the present and working hard to stay conscious of blessing myself and others (and sometimes it IS work).

To finish this post, I want to share with you that hanging out with my family is like swimming in a (loving) pool of barracudas. We have a standard saying: “Blood in the water!” So here are my sons’ supportive comments in response to my having shared this information with them:
My older son Patrick: “Boobs! Bald spot! Heh heh heh”
My younger son Timothy: “Nothing wrong with a nice rack, Pops. Just get used to saying “my eyes are up here.”
Don’t you wish they were yours?

I have a distribution list to notify folks when I publish a new post (which can be infrequent). If you’re not already on the notification list, please just send an e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll gladly put you on the list.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, peace, love and joy in abundance.

Mike

Sangha

I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.
Mother Teresa

14 July 2022

For those of you who may be wondering, I’m still waiting to hear the results of further testing to determine the course of therapy. I’ll post here as soon as I know.

The day before yesterday I went in for a brief infusion of Zometa (zoledronic acid), a medication that draws calcium into the bones to strengthen them against the effects of tumor growth. I was told that a relatively small number of people experience side effects so I expected to be fine afterward. Nope. I’ve always been satisfied with the notion of my weirdness and non-conformance with accepted standards. BUT it has its disadvantages. Fever, chills, sore bones, cough. So I spent all of yesterday in bed, huddled in a semi-fetal position, determined to keep warm. In the middle of the night last night, I woke up to soaked sheets and a weak but much improved physical state. Today, with the sheets in the washer, I’m feeling MUCH better. I’m sure you know how that works. And as I lay there yesterday, I had some realizations that I’d like to share with you.

Fear has been a prominent theme in what I’ve shared so far, and so far, I’ve been pretty successful at keeping it at bay. Yesterday, being aware of the physical symptoms, I knew they would pass. However, behind this conviction was the question “How much of my remaining life will feel like this?” And for how much of my life will Joan be tasked with carrying the burden of keeping things going? Of course, my standard answer is “I don’t know,” which certainly helps. At the same time, fear is one of our strongest emotions, and it isn’t easy to dissolve. It does, however, come and go unless we hold onto it. And in my opinion the way to let it go is to look squarely at it, respect it, accept it and look for the lesson it wishes to teach us.

When I’m troubled I often go to the web looking for inspiration from those who are wiser and kinder than I am. So I opened up YouTube, and there, at the very top of my home page was a video by Thich Nhat Hahn entitled “How do I stay in the moment when it seems unbearable?” Thich Nhat Hanh was a Vietnameses Zen master who died just six months ago. I had the good fortune to encounter him several times, both at his community in France and at his California community in Escondido. A kind, quiet, compassionate, very wise man. He is often called Thây (teacher in Vietnamese). My situation certainly wasn’t and isn’t unbearable, but the title of the video clicked.

Thây’s message in the video is an interesting one. When our situation is difficult, he says we can go to joy and gratitude for those things in our life that do give us joy. He also says that it’s important to confront our troubling situation and emotions head on and not to run away, which I’ve indicated above. But he spends most of his talk suggesting the importance of sangha (spiritual community) and service through the community. What he does very clearly is move the focus away from dwelling on our own “troubles” to focus on helping others.

Perhaps I’m just making up excuses, but I’m frustrated by my lack of imagination in finding ways to serve others. My world, it seems, has gotten very small. However, based on comments I’ve gotten, perhaps this sharing I’m doing is a way to serve you all. I hope so. I’ve come to see this group as a community of sorts, and I’d like to see the focus move somehow away from my own experience in ways that those who read this can serve each other in compassion and kindness. I’m not sure how to do that.

If you’re not already on the distribution list I created recently and you’d like to know when I publish a new post, please just send a quick e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll put you on my list. And THANK YOU!

Whoever you are, I wish you health, peace, love and joy in abundance.

Mike

Meditation

Zazen is good for nothing.
Shohaku Okumura

9 July 2022

When I went searching on the net for meditation images to insert here, almost all the images were of trim, willowy-figured young women doing yoga postures or sitting in the lotus position on a beach backed by a Photoshopped sunset. Or a monk. Or the Buddha. WTF? Don’t normal, regular guys meditate without miraculous sunsets on idyllic beaches or mountaintops? So I went with rocks, which, I think, are masters at meditation, but I was still stuck with the idyllic seaside setting.
[end of rant]

I normally meditate fifteen minutes every morning, and my technique is really simple. Since I asked people to start doing the Lovingkindness Meditation, I’ve been doing it every day myself, repeating it mentally three times for everyone who I know is working with a health or other challenge, then for a few folks I kinda like or don’t like, for Joan (who I kinda like), for myself, and finally for all beings. After that, I just sit, breathe, and work to be conscious of all the random thoughts running through my awareness: what a hoot to watch all that crap go on and on. I have to say that another blessing of the “diagnosis” is that it’s reconnected me with the Lovingkindness thing. Yesterday, I sat to meditate and was so distracted that I just gave up. No reason why. Just distracted. But this morning I sat to meditate and the whole process was very sweet. I hadn’t intended to post again today, but the experience of distraction followed by sweetness was kind of interesting, so I thought I’d share it. Nothing in my life is solid and consistent. Everything changes, year to year, month to month, week to week, day to day, moment to moment. But I (we?) live in the illusion that there are constants in my life. Nope. Sorry. The more I’m able to let go of the illusion of constancy, the happier I become. And watching the changes happen can even be entertaining. Even the advent of crud-in-bones and my reactions to it. It’s all my choice how I get to see it.

A lot of people think that meditation is a big deal, that it can be a means to an end (peace, mental stability, enlightenment, etc.). Many people also think that one has to meditate the “right” way. I see it differently. Having been associated with meditation for most of my life, there’s nothing special about it, and the only hard part is starting a practice and staying with it. There is no “right” way. Just sit, shut up and watch what happens. And don’t expect anything in particular to happen. Oh, sure. It’s ok, I guess, to set a particular goal at the outset if it provides motivation to begin a practice. But ultimately, setting a goal for meditation, to me, misses the point. When I’m actually meditating, I just sit, shut up (to the best of my ability) and watch what happens. Without my striving for it, it seems to just help. I’m not even sure how it helps. I just feel better if I stick with the practice.

There’s a delightful Japanese Zen monk by the name of Shohaku Okumura who has posted a number of YouTube videos that are particularly engaging. My favorite is one titled “Zazen is Good for Nothing.” (Zazen is Zen meditation.) I think what attracts me most to this approach is the sheer humility of it. The only real meaning in my life lies in the love and kindness that I’m able to share. But that’s the subject of another post.

Thanks for sticking with me. I’m very aware that you might not agree with how I look at all this, but, hey, I’d encourage you to start your own blog.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Anniversary

How few days are needed for a century to pass.
Bram Stoker, spoken by Dracula

7 July 2022

Today is our 43rd wedding anniversary. Forty-three years! How in the world did that happen? This health thing and Joan’s affirmations of love and support have brought me to realize again how precious is our being together, how precious love is, how precious family is, how precious friends are, and how precious is each moment. It’s a human tendency, I think, to “normalize” our experience of life and simply to take it for granted. Yeah, right. I’ve heard this so many times before. But I’ve gotta get this project done. We’re out of eggs…do I have time to get to the grocery store? Oh damn, not a call from him again… And it goes on and on. One of the many gifts of this health situation is that I’m allowing life to leak through and be wonderful. Are you?

How are we celebrating? Well, first we were both relieved that neither of us had bought a card or other socially encouraged and commercially marketed expression of celebration. We had looked into spending a couple days in San Francisco to enhance our cultural standing at museums and such, but after some discussion we decided not to mortgage the house to be able to afford a hotel room there. So we did the Sacramento cultural thing and saw the new Minions movie, followed by a fabulous lunch, well lubricated with distilled spirits. This is all great, because after the initial shock and obsession with crud-in-bones, life is back to normal. A very nice normal.

If you’re not already on the distribution list I created recently and you’d like to know when I publish a new post, please just send a quick e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll put you on my list. And THANK YOU!

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

OK Boomer

You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.
George Bernard Shaw

6 July 2022

Three geezers walk into a bar. No, really. I’m 72, and my my dear friends Tom Kigar and Tom Nelson bid farewell to 70 some time ago. The three of us had been taking a 2-1/2 mile stroll through downtown Sacramento and we ended up at a trendy rooftop bar in the heart of downtown. As we walked in, heads turned to watch us, at which point I commented, “Guys, do you realize that each of us is at least twice the age of every other person here?” As we sipped our drinks, I had a fun idea: to gather two or three more superannuated smartasses and hobble into the bar, each of us supported by a walker. We could then get into fussing (as some old folks do) about who sits where, how difficult it is to slide onto the high metal stools at the high-top tables, and ultimately to do a lengthy drama over how the bill gets divvied up. And we’d also have to carry out the obligatory loud discussion about our various ailments and medications. Why loud? Hard of hearing.

Finally, we’d fold up our walkers, grab them and walk briskly out of the bar, laughing the whole way. It would just be fun to watch the reactions, don’t you think? OK boomer my ass.

If you’re not already on the distribution list I created recently and you’d like to know when I publish a new post, please just send a quick e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll put you on my list. And THANK YOU!

Whoever you are, I wish you health, joy, peace and love in abundance.

Mike

An Update

I suppose our capacity for self-delusion is boundless.
John Steinbeck

4 July 2022

It’s been a week and a half since I’ve posted anything substantive here, and I want to apologize to any of you who have been checking in. I don’t know who’s checking and how often, nor how many you are. THANK YOU, at any rate. I don’t want to lose you, and there will be gaps in the future, so please tell if you’d like me to let you know whenever I post something. Just send me a quick e-mail at atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com…you don’t even have to write a message. Just put “Subscribe” in the subject line. And I’ll send you an e-mail notification when I post.

In relation to the quote above. I’ve been saying how fearless I’ve been about this whole thing, and how I’ve been avoiding catastrophic fantasizing. Yeah. Right. Last Tuesday, Joan and I met with my oncologist, and leading up to that meeting I had to recognize that I was somewhat anxious (anxiety=fear, kids). Also that I had prepared myself for him to tell me “Well, Mike, being that this is a really weird cancer [it is], there’s not much we can do. You’re really screwed. Get your affairs in order.” Wow. Such an imagination! I had even started planning out my memorial service, because, of course, I want to control it, even if I can’t be there. (And, at this point, I promise that parts of it will be pretty cool, assuming, of course, that my family does one and that anybody shows up.)

In sum, despite the bullshit I’ve pumped at you lovely people in my previous posts, I was deluding myself in regard to experiencing fear and creating unfortunate fantasies. What I’ve discovered instead is that there are varying levels of fear. While I haven’t been running up and down the street screaming in fear-produced agony, the fear I’ve been feeling has been more subtle and controlled. Fear without drama, I guess. That’s ok with me. But if you think about it, that realization regarding fear in varying levels of intensity was no more than a blinding flash of the obvious. (Please forgive the use of a way overused cliché.)

To our relief, Joan and I came away from the oncologist meeting with some knowledge and some hope. For those of you who want the medical details:

  • The doctor thinks the cancer might have been in the bones almost from the get-go, but it was too small to have been detected and it’s been growing slowly over the last two years. In his words, “We have time.”
  • The biopsy samples have been sent to a lab in San Francisco for genetic testing, in the hope of finding a mutation that would allow for genetically based therapy that would likely be quite effective in impeding the tumors’ growth. The therapy itself would simply involve a pill I would take every day. A relatively slim chance, but it’s possible. The results should be in in a week or so. Let’s hope we can go in that direction.
  • If the genetic mutation isn’t evident, standard chemotherapy for several months has promise of slowing down the tumors’ growth. Been there, done that. What the hell. I can do nausea, constipation and lack of energy again. Woohoo!

The upshot is that I can back off on planning my memorial at this point. Another significant thing that happened during our meeting was that I became very comfortable with my doctor. I have a wonderful relationship with the head/neck surgeons I’ve worked with so far, but I had had very limited contact with this oncologist two years ago, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. My relationship with these healers who are messing with my body is REALLY important. Compassion and caring are critical, as, of course, is their technical expertise.

I noted to Dr Doang that, as an oncologist, he must regularly see his patients die, and I asked him how that affected him. His answer was right on: “It’s supposed to become routine, but it never does. It’s not easy.” I also mentioned that a couple of my friends had spoken of “fighting” cancer. He smiled, then I told him that I’m a lover not a fighter and that I had no desire to introduce conflict into my body. He smiled again and said something like “You’re right. We’re not fighting it. We’re managing it.” He also shared that he was raised by Buddhist parents in a Chinese household, although he said he wasn’t “practicing.” This gave him a particularly calm and peaceful approach. Joan and I were hooked! This is definitely the right guy for two folks who are strongly attracted to the Buddha’s teachings.

I’ll end the post here, But I’m eager to share some thoughts from some reading I’ve been doing lately on near-death experiences (NDEs). I’ve just finished reading a book titled After by a psychiatrist named Bruce Greyson, and the conclusions relating to the research conducted by a growing number of scientists is pretty amazing. I promise to post again before too long.

Again, if you’d like me to let you know when I post more stuff, please send a quick e-mail to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” the the subject line.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

What, me worry?

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.
Mark Twain

21 June 2022

Alred E Newuman

A couple days ago, I was accused of having courage. I’m not one to allow such a slur to go unchallenged, even when delivered in a spirit of kindness by a friend whom I love. So I protested gently (my friend is a VERY nice guy) to set the record straight. When we denounce someone as courageous, noble or dedicated, we are actually projecting on the person attributes that WE would wish to express were we in a similar circumstance, and the insult might in fact hold true, but it also might have nothing to do with the person’s actual internal reality. In my case, I don’t feel courageous at all, because I’m not experiencing much in the way of the fear that courage requires to exist.

Some guys, in particular, will recognize the little guy depicted above. He’s Alfred E Neuman, the mascot of Mad Magazine, a totally irreverent satirical magazine that was popular among pre-pubescent and teenage boys in the 1950s and 60s. (OMG! I just checked and it’s still being published!) Al is a happy-go-lucky, mischievous dolt who is used by his cartoonist creators to satirize the stupidities of the day. Why have I invited him here? Well, I wonder sometimes if Al and I have something in common. I’m just having a good time, enjoying my life, not plagued by fear or panic. Am I in denial? Well…I acknowledge there’s stuff in my body that doctors say will probably kill it, and I acknowledge the prospect of challenging treatments and pains in places where I don’t want to have pain. (Hold it! Where would I want to have pain?) So I don’t think I’m in denial. I get it.

But in the meantime, I’m really enjoying myself. I’m loving hanging out with my wife, family and friends. Going with Joan to Home Depot to buy plants for the yard was delightful. Finally figuring out and documenting the convoluted electrical system I installed in this house was a real joy. Despite my concerted efforts to cultivate an introverted, curmudgeonly image, I’m having a great time getting in contact with folks I haven’t heard from in decades, and I’m actually spending time communicating via e-mail, which, in the past, I’ve always hated. As for the fear part, as I’ve expressed in prior posts, all I have is today, so I’d better enjoy it. And making up disastrous shit about a future I know nothing about would be pretty stupid, even for a guy who aspires to be like Alfred E Neuman.

It will be interesting to see how this attitude holds up IF I end up dry heaving in response to chemotherapy. Time will tell.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy.