Mike

Moods Come, Moods Go

“I believe in angels.“
ABBA

7 March 2023

This post might be a bit different from the others I’ve published. I’m at a low point. But before launching into my whine, I’ll provide a little background.

Cane at Kaloko-Honokōhau National Historic Park, soon to fly home to Arkansas.

Yesterday I dropped off my godson Cane West (a delightful human being) at Kona Airport (a bit under two hours away, on the other side of the island) after having spent a magical day with him exploring wonderful places, the culmination of an experience-full week-long visit. As I drove home across the island, listening to my mellow Hawaiian tunes, I came to a place where I could see the lights of Hilo below and ahead of me, and I was seized with an intense feeling of gratitude and joy. This as the ABBA song “I Have a Dream” filled the car, performed by the Mākaha Sons, a gifted and soulful Hawaiian group. (Yes…please click the link.)

Then there’s today. Many of you know that in the past I had developed impressive mastery of the art of depression. I was able to remain gloriously depressed for long, long periods. Of course it took much energy and time to develop such a high level of skill, but I was dedicated to the task, and I got REALLY good at it. But then a few years ago, I decided that it just took too much energy and it also took a toll on those around me, so, with the help of my family and friends and a couple of very skilled professionals, I gave it up. It was hard, given how much I enjoyed being depressed, but it turned out to be a good decision. (If I’m hitting a chord with you, if you’re in a similar place, please give it some thought and get help. It CAN get better.)

Depression is a little different in Hawai’i.

You know, though, old habits developed with so much dedication are difficult to abandon entirely. So a lot is happening by the end of this month. Another PET scan to see what’s happening with the cancer. Who knows. Heart condition. Who knows: I could go any minute. Possibly dicey tax situation. At this point, who knows…gotta see our tax gal. And up to now I haven’t paid much for all the treatment I’ve gotten, but I just got a rather large bill from Kaiser for stuff that was free before. I’m working with them on it, but who knows. That’s the point. Who knows. Uncertainty. In my past messages to you all, I’ve been perhaps a bit arrogant about affirming that I don’t worry about outcomes that I can’t reliably predict. Why waste energy on disempowering stories? In fact, I’m not obsessing about imagined realities of horribleness. I know better than to actually believe them. BUT I know they’re possible, and that’s enough to trigger some old shit. And, truth be told, I’m pretty worn out after a week of purely enjoyable touring with Cane. We love sharing our home here with visitors, AND it takes energy, so the resistance is down.

So what to do? Oh, for heavens sake. This mood will pass. They always do. I felt so happy yesterday. I feel like crap today. Nothing is permanent. Actually, it’s a little amusing to watch the moods come and the moods go. They’re not me: they’re just stuff that I experience. And if I didn’t experience all that, I’d either be dead or stuck on mood-altering drugs designed to keep me from harming myself and others. And, wow, I have so much compassion for people who must use emotion-deadening drugs to help them cope with a serious psychological condition. So much compassion…I wish them peace.

That brings me back to my opening quote. Do I believe in angels as celestial beings? Probably not, but I do believe in the power that they symbolize. I believe in the possibility of something deep and beautiful that infuses us and the universe around us. It’s what brings me to tears when I witness kindness and strength. Angels at work. So, Mike, go ahead. Stay depressed for a while. It’s OK and it’s normal. You’ll get over it. The angels got your back.

How come the “normal” angels are almost always female and the male angels either look like badass warriors or gay porn stars?

So how about you? Do you believe in angels?

One other thing: I’d so appreciate it if you would remind the angels that we’re paying attention. I invite you again to practice the Lovingkindness Meditation, first for yourself then for others (including me as well, if you would). I promise I’m doing the same for both you and me.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

I have a distribution list to notify folks when I publish a new post (which, I’m afraid, is rather infrequent). If you’re not already on the notification list, please just send an e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll gladly put you on the list.

Mike

Viriditas

“O most honored Greening Force,
You who roots in the Sun;
You who lights up, in shining serenity, within a wheel
that earthly excellence fails to comprehend.
You are enfolded in the weaving of divine mysteries.
You redden like the dawn
and you burn: flame of the Sun.“
Hildegard of Bingen, 12th Century German mystic

16 February 2023

It’s been over a month, so I suppose it’s time for another post. Joan and I have been at our home in Hilo, Hawai’i since mid January, and before I go on, I’ll say that it’s been raining. I mean RAINING. That’s not unusual for Hilo, which gets an average of 127 inches (322 cm) of rain a year. That’s more than ten feet (3 meters). But we don’t normally have day after day of the stuff. We’re supposed to get about 20 inches (50 cm) during the next 3 days. In fact, I’m certain that this morning I saw a guy in a long robe shooing a pair of nēnē up a ramp onto a huge boat. (Nēnē are Hawaiian geese, the state bird and an endangered species.) But Joan just says I was seeing things and should cut way back on the cannabis Iʻm using to help me sleep.

20 February 2023

Rainbow Falls, a major Hilo tourist site. On the left, as it normally appears. On the right, what it looked like this morning.

The rains continue. This morning I even noticed a spot of green moss in a location on my body that I choose not to identify. We DO have breaks occasionally, when it stops raining for a while. In fact, Joan and I helped out at the Pana’ewa Rodeo yesterday, and it deluged in the morning. But by noon, when the events began, the rain had stopped and the roping, riding and mugging (roping steers and tying their legs to incapacitate them) went on with no problem. Yes. Rodeo in Hawai’i. There’s a huge paniolo (Hawaiian cowboy) tradition here, especially on the Big Island, with a fascinating history and unique customs in unique conditions.

I suppose we could complain about the rain, and sometimes we do briefly, but the fact is that rain is a major reason why these islands are so inconceivably beautiful. Whenever we’re away on the mainland, we long for the utter greenness of our home here. Although our complex is a 90-second walk to the ocean, we lack the ocean view that most of our neighbors have: we look out from our living room at a wall of green jungle. There’s a delightful Hawaiian word, uluwehiwehi (oo-loo-vay-hee-vay-hee), that means lush greenness, verdancy, fecundity, and (by extension) vibrant aliveness. One hears the word often in Hawaiian songs. Traditional Hawaiian chants and songs, incidentally, are generally not about unrequited love, as in country music (my dog died, my wife left me, my truck broke down and my kid’s in prison). Hawaiian music tends to praise the beauty of nature and to recount the exploits of gods and heroes, both male and female.

The view from our lanai (balcony) on a chilly (66˚F/19˚C) midwinter day

The Green Man, an ancient and powerful symbol of nature’s (and our) abundance

All of that leads me back to St Hildegard of Bingen (CE 1098-1179), who is quoted at the head of this post. She was a badass German writer, composer, philosopher, mystic, visionary, and medical practitioner who was highly honored at a time when the possession of the “wrong” set of genitalia was a severe social disadvantage. Prominent in Hildegard’s writings is the Latin term viriditas, which to my mind is uluwehiwehi transported to a colder clime. To Hildegard, it means many things. Of course it expresses the sheer joy and exuberance of nature as it throws forth new growth in the spring and provides an abundance of fruit and other useful stuff for our benefit and for that of our fellow creatures. Viriditas also means the inherent ability (drive?) of human beings to grow and heal.

I don’t mean this to be an intellectual treatise, but I wanted to offer some background to what I’ve been thinking. The course of this cancer thing (and now a coronary condition) is a mystery. It might re-emerge or might not. In any event, the clock is ticking for all of us, and mortality is a reality (sorry, cheap poetism…and yes, that really is a word). So how do I express-enhance-strengthen-enliven viriditas/uluwehiwehi in this gift of a life that I’ve been given? Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember the joy. I often don’t sleep well. My tastebuds are screwed up from the cancer treatment. I’ve lost my ability to really smile because half my face doesn’t work. I have toe fungus.

(Oh get over yourself, whiney baby!)

Then I remember that I have an amazing loving family and spectacular friendships. I live in f-ing Hawai’i, with another lovely home in California. I’ve traveled all over the world and have had enviable experiences. Many years ago, I gained two degrees from Harvard University, virtually free of charge. The jams and marmalades I make are really, really good, as is most of my cooking. And on, and on, and on. I say all this not to impress anyone, but to remind myself of my many, many blessings. As I think about it, the key to joy, to feeling and expressing viriditas is gratitude. Gratitude can erase anger and envy. Perhaps it can’t eliminate sadness, but it can temper it. And it can amplify love and joy. At least that’s what I think. Would it be presumptuous of me to invite you, my friend, to grow the viriditas/uluwehiwehi in your life? The only reason I’d do it is to encourage you to be fully happy with a life that you recognize as rich and rewarding.

One more thing…many of you know that I volunteer every week at the Pana’ewa Rainforest Zoo here in Hilo. Little by little, I’m getting acquainted with my fellow creatures that I serve there. This process has continued to teach me the importance of patience and respect. Unlike some humans, animals know intuitively if you don’t respect them, and they will therefore refuse to interact. And if you’ve ever worked with non-humans, you know that they have a wide range of personalities. One day a week or two ago, one of the other volunteers was giving Rowdy, a blue macaw, a little outing. She set him on the gate in the area where we were working, which gave me an opportunity to dance with him. This is the kind of simple thing that can generate gratitude for me.

May simple things generate gratitude for you.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Being At Peace With Not Being At Peace

Let go of certainty. The opposite isn’t uncertainty. It’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose up sides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.
Tony Schwartz

12 January 2023

I havenʻt posted in quite a while. To be honest, I havenʻt known what to say, but a couple of dear friends have guilted me into inflicting more stuff on the folks who are kind enough to tune into this site. This blog is named At Peace with Cancer, but since my last PET scan, Iʻm not sure how much cancer there is here to be at peace with. The question is, will it come back? Given how these things work, Iʻm told thatʻs likely. So am I at peace with not knowing? Itʻs interesting that accepting stuff you know is a lot easier than being at peace with stuff that you donʻt know. Wait! When I got the diagnosis, I had no idea how it would progress, and I found a way to be at peace with it. How is this different from having the cancer disappear without my knowing if/when it will reappear? Are there different levels of unknowing? Is it easier to accept and work with a situation for which I have some knowledge? “Oops. Got cancer. Could turn out lots of ways, but I donʻt know how itʻll work out. Not gonna make up stories and worry about it.” Thatʻs different from “Oops. Got life. Could turn out LOTS and LOTS of ways, but I donʻt know how itʻll work out. So many possibilities. I think Iʻll make up some stories and worry.” Iʻm not sure Iʻm making sense here, but youʻre smart people so I hope you get it. For me, less knowledge = more uncertainty = more opportunity to catastrophize. But, at base, itʻs still the same. I donʻt know, so making up stories of horribleness makes no sense, no matter how much information I have or donʻt have. So I guess I end up being at peace with not being at peace, which reminds me of a very funny scene from an old British comedy series, The Vicar of Dibley. Here’s a link: I Can’t Believe I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Isn’t Butter.

Moving along then, rather than sink into energy-sucking unproductive negative fantasies, my choice is to remind myself again that I donʻt know what will happen and to enjoy the present moment as much as possible. Itʻs usually wise to move my attention away from story-making and replace the stories with curiosity. In that vein, I wonder how much of this mind-diddling has to do with weather and location. Iʻve been in Northern California since the end of October, and itʻs been mostly cold and gray, with major storms in the last week or so. Some of you would say that 45 to 55 degrees Fahrenheit (7-13º C) isn’t really cold, but, you know, it’s all relative. The fact is that, if I’m not having a hot flash (thank you, life-giving hormone therapy), I’ve been cold since I arrived from Hawai’i. We’re returning to Hilo in just a few days, and I’m curious to see if the change in location changes my attitude. Of course, ultimately, I get to decide. It’s bad policy to allow one’s physical situation to control one’s moods…giving away that power strikes me as a form of victimhood. The fact is, however, that I just like to whine when I’m away from my home in Hawaiʻi.

A thought-provoking situation…after the clear PET scan and perhaps as a result of feeling burdened by responsibilities in California, my meditation practice has been sporadic. But I restarted on a regular schedule a few days ago, and it DOES make a difference. The funny thing about meditation for me is that nothing happens. I just sit there, do the Lovingkindness Meditation or just watch the breath and I get…nothing. This goes along with a wonderful 6-minute video by the Zen monk Shohaku Okumura entitled Zazen is Good for Nothing. The message is basically “just shut up and sit.” Good advice. As I watch the video, I realize that this idea ties in perfectly with being at peace with not being at peace. In the end, though, somehow, meditation does make a difference. Don’t ask me how; it’s just different. In an agreeable way. It’s especially nice to get back to doing the Lovingkindness thing…I have a whole list of folks I focus on.

Before I close, I want to put some things in perspective. So this prosperous, privileged old man wrestles with questions like “Am I at peace?” and “Gee, how long before I get back to my beautiful home in Hawaiʻi?” In the meantime, hundreds of people are living in tents and less on the streets of Sacramento and other places, pummeled by cold wind and rain. Innocents are being killed senselessly in Ukraine and other places in the world. And I adjust my thermostat to 70ºF (21ºC) and sit here waxing philosophic about uncertainty. I am ashamed to say that I really don’t know what to do that would make a difference. So I do my best to be kind in my tiny little world.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Thanksgiving, Orgies and Miracles

Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you’d see.
Lemony Snicket, The Lump of Coal

25 November 2022

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day in the United States, a peculiar American holiday that starts what we call the “Holiday Season.” It’s based on a cozy myth of European invaders engaging in a lovefest with a band of Native Americans in what is now Massachusetts. Well, sort of. The Wampanoag were pretty kind and generous to the newcomers at first, but within a generation, about 90% of them had died from diseases the Pilgrims had gifted to them, which, I assume, the Wampanoag found rather alarming. In addition, more and more Europeans kept showing up and eventually started using the Wampanoag and other natives for target practice, which definitely soured the atmosphere. But please forgive my historical digression…

Other peoples see us Americans as being prone to excess, and our Holiday Season often goes beyond excessive to true orgy upon orgy (orgy in the sense of excessive indulgence, not necessarily sexual). It begins with families sitting down to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, with enormous (up to 31 m/102 ft tall or 54 m/178 ft long) blowup cartoon characters floating down Broadway in New York while TV “personalities” provide effusive commentary. Then the food. Many families gather to pretend they like each other so as to gorge on platefuls of roast turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, pumpkin pies and a long list of other coronarily destructive foods. Then the football. Some families retire after the meal to burp and belch at their 90-inch (2.3 m) television screens as they scream through the ether at American football players whose goal is to maim players on the opposing team while doggedly working to bash their own heads with enough force to inflict permanent neurological damage that will turn them to vegetables by the age of 70.

That, of course is only the beginning. We’re talking Holiday Season. Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, used to be the start of the Christmas shopping season (although now, I think, it starts sometime in August). It’s called Black Friday because it’s the day on which merchants traditionally move to profitability after having spent most of the year “in the red.” So stores compete with one another to offer the best deals on EVERYTHING, advertising shamelessly and leaving their doors open for 24 hours. But now, since so much of the world makes purchases online, who cares if the doors are open 24 hours a day? We’re not going to the mall anyway. Enter Cyber Monday, when the electronics that weren’t sold out on Friday are offered for even more obscene prices. (Are you understanding the orgy reference?)

Following Black Friday and Cyber Monday, we have nearly a month of sales, sales, sales, discounts, discounts, discounts, discounts. For those of us old people who actually go to stores, we’re inundated with often insipid politically correct “holiday songs” that have been purged of any discernible reference to the religious holiday in which the season has its roots, although I do like the idea of not assuming we’re all Christian (which I am not, although I have respect for many of Christianity’s peace-based, non-exclusionary beliefs). But wouldn’t it be cool to hear a Hanukkah song or a Diwali chant occasionally?

Christmas decorations. Now I’ve been to France, Spain and the Netherlands during the Christmas season. Paris has lovely, sedate, rather sophisticated holiday decorations, and the Dutch do it up with characteristic humor for Sinterklaasdag in early December. The Spaniards, I think, are too busy partying to bother much with decorations. In the US, OMG! Not everyone pulls out the stops, but some folks spend months setting up their winter wonderlands, and I’m certain that lights in their half of the city dim momentarily when they flip the switch.

Christmas is yet another occasion when many families come together to share the joy of the holiday spirit while they work so hard to pretend they like each other. Until Uncle Joe has had too much to drink and all hell breaks loose. (OK, not ALL families are like this. In fact, mine isn’t at all, but, sadly, many families do go through this annual drama, and I send them my healing thoughts.)

It’s finally near the end of the season, and we arrive at New Year’s Eve. I remember one year spending the holiday with Joan at a nice hotel on the California Coast where they offered a pricey sort of OK dinner and a New Year Extravaganza where we were expected to dance rhapsodically and celebrate with great gusto in the company of total strangers, bubbling over our two allotted glasses of California sparkling wine (they couldn’t call it champagne because it wasn’t from France). It was weird. We left early.

New Year’s morning and the obligatory Rose Parade. This is truly an orgy of horticultural excess. At least 75,000 roses. And that’s just roses. Millions of carnations, orchids, chrysanthemums, anthuriums, peonies, Venus flytraps (crap, I can’t even think of any more flowers to name). And those who live in Southern California (I used to live in San Diego.) revel in the opportunity to call relatives in places like Buffalo and Minneapolis to tell them that they really miss them and that, by the way, it’s about 70˚F (21˚C) outside. To finish the season, it’s more American football. This time, it’s university students attempting to maim each other and to get a head start on causing themselves serious brain damage.

There’s one more holiday that I haven’t yet mentioned…Kwanzaa (December 26-January 1). And frankly, unlike the rest of this diatribe, I haven’t anything snarky to say about it, because I think it’s a pretty cool holiday. Invented in 1966 after the Watts riots in Los Angeles, it celebrates the African American experience and potential. It’s based on seven principles: Unity, Self-determination, Collective work and responsibility, Cooperative economics, Purpose, Creativity and Faith. I really like the idea, and I hope that it becomes more widely known and celebrated.

With that last bit, I’ve intentionally shifted from snark to respect…I was just having fun being a smartass. I have to say that not everyone has the means to engage in this annual excess, although most try their best. And, truth be told, it’s fun to look at the decorations, while I’ve brought some GREAT stuff cheap on Black Friday. And it’s also true that many folks’ hearts are softened during this season. But, damn, it sure provides a lot of material for a few laughs.

For me, in fact, I really got into Thanksgiving this year, feeling grateful to tears for all the blessings I have in my life. I did my Lovingkindness Meditation in the morning, focusing on many of my friends and family, and it moved me deeply to establish that connection with many of you. We had the family over for dinner and we really enjoyed each other’s company, indigestion notwithstanding. Yesterday again, I became aware of the many miracles in my life.

I met with one of my doctors the other day. I love this guy. We joke around together and he also pulls no punches in regard to my situation. He said that my response to the cancer treatment has been remarkable, even miraculous. And he also said that what normally happens is that eventually the cancer re-emerges, which doesn’t surprise me. But, skeptic that I am, I’ve been wondering how much of this miracle can be attributed to the shots and pills I’m getting and how much is tied to the healing energy many of you have sent me. So I’m asking you please to continue with the healing thoughts, as I will continue to focus my love and healing energy on many of you. In regard to the cancer, I’m not sure I’m out of the woods…I may just be passing through a clearing, with yet more woods up ahead. In any event, I hope I have the wisdom to take whatever comes with grace and love.

And please don’t ever forget to include yourself in your thoughts and prayers of health and joy:
May your body and spirit be filled with health, love, peace and joy. And may you be an open channel of love, peace, joy and kindness.

There is one more miracle I’d like to mention. A little under two weeks ago, Knight Smart passed away. He was the husband of my niece Jean. He’d gone through a long process with throat cancer which required the removal of his larynx and led to a long and very difficult time, the details of which are unnecessary to share. I say this was miraculous because throughout this process, he remained cheerful and strong for his family. As Lisa, Jean’s sister and my other niece said as we all sat together after his passing, “He was always so goddamned happy.” Knight was a good man. A very good man. Each of us faces the end of our life, and Knight offered an example of how to do this with much grace and love. Godspeed, dear man.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

OH. MY. GOD.

The most incredible thing about miracles is that they happen.
G.K. Chesterton

4 November 2022

It’s been more than a month since my last post. I apologize…the screen on my laptop died and I was unable to get into the site for several weeks, and now that I can use my computer again, I was locked out for some reason and I’ve had to spend a couple days on the phone with technical support and blah, blah, blah… So I’m back, and a LOT has happened in the interim.

First, THANK YOU to everyone for your patience, prayers, lovingkindness, thoughts, encouragement and every other wonderful thing you’ve offered me (and hopefully yourselves as well). Super skeptic that I am, I’ve often wondered if that stuff actually works to impact the “real” world. At this point, my skepticism is being very seriously called into question. The latest news…

I went in for a PET scan a few days ago to check on the state of crud-in-bones, and my doctor tells me that the scan revealed no cancer activity in the places where it had appeared in the last scan. The traces of its presence are still there, but no cancerous activity whatsoever showed up. Holy shit! It looks as if it’s gone. I’m cautiously optimistic, because it could certainly reappear. But it does seem, at least, that the date of my upcoming memorial service has been pushed back a bit. THIS, my dear friends, is why I’m thanking you all with such enthusiasm. It’s very possible that your kind and loving efforts on my behalf have really worked. Yeah. OH. MY. GOD.

My reaction: cautious optimism. I was talking with Joan last night about the fact that I’m not jumping up and down for joy. Like, is there something wrong with me? But she pointed out that I’m taking the “good” news in the same way that I took the “bad” news. It’s all just news. It’s all just life. I’m VERY grateful, of course, and it removes a great deal of pressure, but, in the end, it just forms another chapter. I shared with you all early on that I choose not to go into drama, and that I had no idea what would happen. So now THIS has happened. Wow. And I still don’t know what happens next. I will admit that I wept quietly in relief when I heard the news. And another thought comes to mind: some of you talked of “fighting” the cancer. Many see a cancer diagnosis as a call to battle. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that I prefer peace over war, so I approached the errant cells with compassion, inviting them to heal themselves and go away. Who knows if that had any effect, but it certainly kept me out of violence mode.

I can only speak for myself, but perhaps you’ll feel some resonance with something I’m discovering. Once the pressure is off, once things feel “safe,” I have a tendency to let up on the proactive activities I’ve been practicing. That is, I get lazy. It’s gotten more challenging to meditate every day, to practice the lovingkindness meditation for many of you, for my family and for myself. Once the “prayers” are “answered,” it’s easy for me to just settle back into a routine of normalcy and lack of challenge. I end up being less aware of the importance of gratitude and of consciousness focused on spreading peace. It reminds me of a story about a hapless Irishman named Sean. In fact, I’ve placed his story here on the site for you to read.

Oh yeah. Almost forgot. I had a heart attack about four weeks ago. Some have asked what it was like. Well, I’d been feeling a tightness in my chest for a few days, but I wrote that off as heartburn and took Rolaids. Then one evening at 8:30 pm or so, it got to feeling really uncomfortable, and I also had pains in my arms. But no searing sudden pain in the chest, as I thought a heart attack was about. Just some pretty obvious discomfort. So we called 911. In the middle of the call however, the pain subsided, so we cancelled the call. A bit later though, the pains came back and my intuition told me I should probably pay attention. Another 911 call, a ride to Hilo Medical Center in an ambulance with a couple of very cool firemen, a few spurts of nitroglycerin under the tongue and a night in the emergency room where they stabilized the situation. More or less normal EKG, but the blood test indicated the presence of troponin, an enzyme that appears when the heart’s in trouble. Early the next morning, a WONDERFUL cardiologist showed up and said “Well, we can handle this in one of two ways…treat it with medications and see if it improves or just go in with a catheter to investigate.” My response: “Go for it. Let’s just get in there and see what’s happening.” So by 10 AM I was shot up with happy juice in an operating room and the doctor was running a thingie up through my wrist. Never felt a thing.

It turns out that the left anterior descending (LAD) artery was 98-99% blocked and that the doctor had to implant a stent. Dr Trutter said that there was slight damage to the heart, but that it’s recoverable. So now I’m taking enough medications to stock a pharmacy and it’s taking a while to recover my energy, but all’s well that ends well. Hilo Medical Center is just a small rural hospital, with a coronary care unit that is rather new and excellent. For any treatment more complicated than what I received, they would have put me on a plane to Honolulu, which is typical of medical care on the Big Island. Kaiser (my provider) has a small clinic next door, and I was terrifically impressed that by the time I checked out, records of the procedure had already been transmitted to Kaiser Hawai’i, and my doctor in California was viewing them soon after. More gratitude. The care I received in our little hospital in Hilo would definitely rate an A+.

You may be wondering how I reacted to all this. One friend said I must have been terrified. Nope, sorry. It was all very…interesting. More than anything, I was moving from gratitude to gratitude for the care and professionalism I encountered. My second night in the hospital, I shared a room with a man who was delirious and obviously in great suffering. That night I found myself sobbing in compassion for him, for people in Ukraine and many other places in the world who suffer, and for the wrenching pain that our fragile American democracy is suffering. My situation was/is, by comparison, a big nothing. And with the cancer stuff I’ve experienced, this was just another wrinkle. As always, I never know what’s actually going to happen to me, so why catastrophize?

All right, all right. I’ll be honest here. What really happened was that I had figured the cancer thing was getting to be old news and folks were losing interest. So I decided to have a heart attack to liven things up a bit. Now you know the truth. And now that I can’t rely on the cancer situation to garner sympathy for me, I can always fall back on being a coronary patient. When the universe takes one blessing away, there’s always another blessing to replace it.

We’ve been back in Sacramento for a week now. I’ve been cold almost the whole time since I got here (poor baby). And this isn’t even one of those absurdly frigid places in which many of you live. We’ll be here through the holidays, also visiting friends and family in absurdly frigid Idaho and Ohio this month and next. Yep. We must love you guys a lot. But then, finally, back to our ocean-and-jungle haven in Hilo in January. There I get to wade in the lagoon just near our place while I can see snow far away on the summit of Mauna Kea. Far away. Just where I like to see snow.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Anima Mundi

This world is indeed a living being endowed with a soul and intelligence … a single visible living entity containing all other living entities, which by their nature are all related.
Plato

1 October 2022

A real, unedited image of 14 galaxies 12.4 billion lights years from Earth

Anima Mundi is a Latin term meaning “world soul,” an ancient concept that is well described in the above quote from Platoʻs Timaeus. I find very appealing the belief that we are profoundly linked with all creation, that “reality” is much greater than our limited day-to-day experience, that when this limited experience ends, we return to, merge with and become more fully aware of the inconceivable grandeur of a universe of infinite scope and potential, a universe consisting of billions of galaxies. Billions of galaxies!

A 90-second walk from our home here in Hilo takes one to a peaceful, rock-strewn lagoon that sees few visitors. I went there today at sunset and watched clouds’ faces over the Pacific age gracefully from pink to gray, accompanied by the rhythm of surf washing over the rock barrier some hundred meters or so from the sun-warmed rocky perch where I sat. The shore here is green, green, green, full of life. In a place like this, itʻs not hard to feel that all the earth is alive and conscious and is eager to share its verdant thoughts with my limited, closed off awareness. I really want to hear and understand what it has to say. I just wish I knew how to do it.

I went yesterday with a friend to see the film Avatar for the third time, this time in 3D. It had been several years since Iʻd seen the film previously, and Iʻd forgotten how deeply the film touched me. The entire planet, including its sentient humanoid inhabitants, is in intimate communication with Eywa, the world soul of the planet. At one point in the film, an alien (human) force brutally attacks and destroys the home of the indigenous people. As I saw this horrible destruction, I thought of the people of Ukraine and wept. But I also wept during scenes in which the presence and power of the world soul were manifest. The joy of this kind of connection is something I crave. At base, I wonder if reclaiming such a connection and (dare I say) love is something we all crave as human beings. Isnʻt that what religion is about?

At the Tree of Souls, the sacred place of close contact with Eywa, the world soul

Joan and I volunteer each week at the Panaʻewa Zoo here in Hilo, the only rainforest zoo in the United States. Itʻs both a zoo and a botanical garden, lush and beautiful, as is much of this side of the island. Joan makes a difference with her work in the gift shop and Iʻm on the Animal Enrichment Team. This means that once a week or so I fix stuff like broken pig beds, clean cages in the petting zoo, walk goats and pet small animals. Recently I had a chance to sit with three other volunteers and talk story while we were quietly petting chickens and guinea pigs. If you donʻt believe that animals are conscious and have emotions, volunteer at a zoo for a while.

Thereʻs an emu at zoo named Bling. Sheʻs still wary of me, but my friend Dolores has a sweet relationship with her. One day, Dolores took some food into Blingʻs enclosure, and the bird came up to her and actually lay her head on Doloresʻs shoulder, allowing my friend to pet her. It was a beautiful thing to see. Please never think that animals have no awareness, thoughts or emotions. They do. Itʻs just that we donʻt understand their languages. Many studies have shown that animals express sadness, joy, fear, curiosity and even empathy. Elephants, dolphins, horses and other higher-level creatures show astounding levels of intelligence and sensitivity. And octopuses are amazing, if very alien, creatures. A recent Oscar-winning film, My Octopus Teacher, documents the friendship between a South African filmmaker and an eight-legged tease, and The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery is a delightful book that explores a form of consciousness much different from yet in some ways similar to our own.

So whatʻs the point of all this? Well, my friend, we may be the center of our own egotistical universe, but weʻre certainly not the center of THE universe. To make it personal in my case, as I consider my own mortality, that idea puts things into perspective, and itʻs kind of comforting in a way. Weʻre not really as important as we might like to think we are. But then, if weʻre part of such a grand miracle, maybe we ARE kind of important.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Vanity | Sadness | Peace | Caffeine

24 September 2022

There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors.
J. Michael Straczynski

The Pacific Ocean this afternoon. The clouds entranced me. And if you look VERY closely, you can see California on the horizon.

For most of my life, I’ve never thought of myself as a particularly attractive guy. But in the last ten or fifteen years, quite a few people have told me differently. Where WERE all these people when I was younger and could have used the ego boost? And I’ve never really seen myself as vain either. But now half my face doesn’t work and my 72-year-old body looks a lot like a 72-year old body, so I’m embarrassed to say that I AM kinda vain. It makes me a bit sad that I can no longer smile. Really. I used to have a pretty expressive toothy smile, but now all I get is a half-grimace. And if I try to get the teeth involved, it looks a lot like a scary little dog smile. (Incidentally, in relation to the quote above, Iʻve stopped looking in mirrors. Seriously.)

So yeah, yesterday after all that stuff I said about “quiet joy” in my blog post a couple days ago, I got sad. A natural thing, actually. The universe loves balance. So I just accepted the sadness, knowing it would go away after a while. I even appreciated it, because it showed that I was still alive. Joy is the same way, you know. Enjoy it, appreciate it, but don’t expect it to hang around. I used to hang on tenaciously to sadness and depression, thinking it defined me. But at some point I gave up on that, realizing it took too much energy. And even worse, I’m sure it caused people to keep their distance. Who wants to hang out with Eeyore, anyway? So yes, I get sad sometimes and let it go. And I get happy sometimes and let that go too. And finally, regarding the sadness, I’m a ray of fucking sunshine, right? How could I possibly justify hanging onto sadness while saddled with that kind of responsibility?

This morning Joan and I drove to Honokaʻa, a picturesque old sugar town about an hour up the Hāmākua coast. They have an annual Peace Festival thatʻs really groovy, a sanitized celebration of what us old folks used to do to express nonconformity as we all wore the same kinds of clothes, talked the same, sported the same haircuts and toked up on the same kinds of joints. It was basically a street fair with lots of t-shirts, crafts and food. Fun stuff. No parade this year, though…still recovering from the pandemic, I figure.

The highlight of our trip, however, was a stop to see our young friend Ian, who, with his girlfriend Diana, runs Papaaloa Joe Coffee. They have 2-1/2 acres of coffee bushes and raise some really amazing coffee…it oughta be at $60 a pound. The true delight, however, is their iced Paniolo (“Hawaiian Cowboy”). A double shot of espresso, cacao tea (whatever that is), honey, milk and nutmeg. In my last post, I recommended meditation and gratitude for balancing mind and emotions. For me, caffeine is right up there as well. The effect is temporary, but few things can lift my spirits so quickly and so well. And this Paniolo thing…well, Iʻve asked Ian if he had to get a special permit to administer it as a controlled Schedule 1 substance.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Quiet Joy

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
Marianne Williamson

22 September 2022

For those of you who don’t know, the Big island has two sides that are very different from each other. We live on the east/windward side, with frequent rain, waterfalls, lush jungle and beaches that are either rough, sharp lava rocks or sandy-bottom lagoons that are great for snorkeling, but not much good for surfing. Kona and Kohala, the districts on the other side of the island, are hotter and drier, with lava-field moonscapes, picture-perfect wide sandy beaches, a plethora of short-term-rental condos and mobs of sunburned tourists. Joan and I lovingly call that side Konafornia. Both sides are wonderful, but Hilo nō ka ʻoi (Hilo is best). It takes a bit under two hours to drive from Hilo to Kailua-Kona, the main town on the other side. When folks here go to Kona, we don’t tell people “Going to Kona.” We rather say “Goin’ Costco. Want anything?” So a few days ago, we went Costco to stock up on stuff.

As we were driving across the middle of the island on what’s called the Saddle Road, looking to the summits of Mauna Loa on the left and Mauna Kea on the right, we were playing an album of Hawaiian music that our dear friend Mary had lent us, and the song Hawaiʻi Aloha began. Very frequently, wherever people with a Hawaiian connection get together (even on the mainland) for a concert, a hula presentation or some such thing, everyone stands at the end, holds hands and sings, in Hawaiian, this song’s first verse and chorus (see below). Every time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes. And the boo-hoo-hooing happened again as we zoomed through the lava fields toward Kona.

In 2016, artists and young people across the islands recorded a video of the song that captures its beauty. I invite you to experience it and hope that it can touch your heart as it touches mine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDa0YmZD0Jk

This experience as we drove across the island made me strongly aware of the many joys in my life, which relates to the title of this post. Yeah, I kinda know what’s happening in my body, but that doesn’t prevent me from appreciating all the quiet little joys that touch me day after day, things like:

Sharing the mana (power) of Hawaiʻi with visitors from the mainland,
Seeing the telescopes on the summit of Mauna Kea as I turn onto Kalanianaʻole Street from our condo complex,
Preparing a cappuccino for Joan every morning,
Playing bocce every Sunday morning with Larry and Ruth when weʻre in Sacramento,
Knowing Hilo so well that I can use back streets to avoid traffic on the main drag,
Feeling warm sun on my back and a cool breeze on my face as I walk toward Hilo Bay on Waiānuenue Avenue,
Filling jelly jars with the luscious papaya-mango jam Iʻve just made,
Sitting in a fan-powered breeze as I sweat through a hormone-powered hot flash (OMG!).

I wrote all that more than a week ago, and since then Iʻve had days when the quiet joy emerges easily and days when it just doesnʻt show up. Absolutely predictable, of course. Normally, I donʻt have an acute awareness of the whole cancer thing, just a soft feeling of vulnerability. But sometimes the thought pushes its way to the forefront of my consciousness. Given the fact that Iʻm not working with any gross symptoms at the moment (except for these god-damned hot flashes), the health challenge stays pretty remote. But when the heavy awareness lumbers into the picture, I remind myself that I donʻt know what lies ahead, so shut up and enjoy the magical moment.

Returning to the notion of quiet joy and how to encourage its presence, Iʻve found that meditation helps. Iʻm generally a pretty lousy meditator in regard to my ability to stay present, but Iʻve found that focusing on the Lovingkindness Meditation helps a lot. It has several forms, and the one I use is one I created myself (link here). However you do it, though, itʻs simply a matter of wishing others well and building compassion. My routine is that almost every morning I repeat the mantra/blessing three times for each of many people, concentrating especially on my family and on people who I know are experiencing a challenge in their lives. Who knows if this is doing any good…some credible research indicates that such focused consciousness actually can support healing, even from a distance. But, hell, itʻs all about me anyway, and doing the meditation makes me feel better. If it helps others, mazel tov. Thatʻs a good thing.

The other tool I access frequently is gratitude. น้อยใจ (noi jai) is a term in Thai that literally means “little heart.” Itʻs how we feel when weʻre small in character, offended, weak, even petty. When I feel น้อยใจ and Iʻm able to admit it to myself, I think of things in my life that I can be grateful for. And there are many. When I was working as a professional coach and I had a client who was challenged by anger, fear or low self esteem, Iʻd often ask him or her to start a gratitude journal, to begin or end each day by recording three things for which they were grateful. Of course Iʻve never done this myself because Iʻm great at giving advice but lousy at taking it. But my clients reported that it was a helpful exercise, so Iʻve taken their word for it. I DO, however, use gratitude to reset a painful attitude and it DOES work for me.

Well, folks, this has been a ramble. From boo-hoo-hooing on the way to Costco to lovingkindness to a refusal to take my own advice. If you got this far, thanks for sticking with it. And thank you again to those of you who have told me this blog is helpful to you. Youʻre the reason I keep doing it.

Oh yeah…one more thing. My friends (?) Larry and Ruth Kurmel sent me this t-shirt. So wrong on so many levels. First, if that’s how they see me, I gotta do something about my image. Entirely too much responsibility. And what’s worse is that yellow is definitely not my color. But thanks, guys, for sending me the shirt. (Gratitude again, huh?)

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Beauty, Kindness, Curiosity

Kuʻi ʻia ke kukui pili ke aloha
Pili ke aloha kau maila e.
Kukui aloha o Hawaiʻi e.

Connect with light.
Connect with love,
The love and light of Hawaiʻi.

6 September 2022

A lot has been happening and a lot has crossed my mind lately. Many times I’ve thought “I really ought to post some of this to the blog,” but then I’ve gotten distracted and haven’t known how to start. And of course there’s my native laziness and the feeling sometimes that this whole blog thing is an “assignment.” Even in college, I HATED having to do homework…doing it wasn’t so bad, but being told I had to do it was what bugged me. So what does that tell you about me? However, I learned years ago that I don’t really have to know how to begin something. If I just start, it somehow begins itself. And it always feels great when it’s done. So here we go…

Many of you know that Joan and I have two homes, one in Sacramento, California, and another in Hilo, on the rainy side of the Big Island of Hawai’i. Our plan was eventually to spend most of our time in Hilo, but crud intervened, and since medical facilities in Hawai’i are much more limited than they are in Northern California, we are spending more time in Sacramento. However, as of September 1, we’re back in our lovely home in Hilo for a couple months. So the first part of this post is about our connection to our island home.

Looking across Hilo Bay at Hilo Town and snow-capped Mauna Kea

Any respectful consideration of these islands must begin with aloha, which is probably the most misunderstood word in the Hawaiian language. Alo means “presence,” and hā is the Hawaiian word for breath, which is seen as a manifestation of divine power, joy, love…you name it. So aloha is not just something the Hawaiian Airlines flight attendant is supposed to say when you get off the plane in Honolulu. Aloha is about expressing, extending, sharing, manifesting, being divine love and power: The fact is that aloha is a living, BREATHING energy that permeates the Hawaiian Islands…if youʻre open to experiencing it. Oh yes, Hawai’i has a multitude of problems…poverty, inequality, environmental degradation, marginalization of the native population and, especially, a depressing history of the theft of a beautiful nation by unscrupulous and greedy American businessmen. But the soul of this kingdom survives in the beauty of its land and its people.

Kealoha Beach Park, a five-minute walk from our home, with Mauna Kea, again, in the distance

‘If one approaches Hawai’i with respect, openness and curiosity, it emerges clearly as a place where kindness abides. Things move more slowly here, and one frequently encounters the words kuleana (responsibility, stewardship), ‘ohana (family, community) and mālama (protective care, as in mālama ‘āina…care for the land). If you get outside the tourist centers, you’ll see that people here actually care for each other and for their land. I read the news of the mainland and am appalled by all the anger one finds there. It’s so different here. And it always requires painful adjustment to return to California. (As I type this, I hear rain falling, nourishing the jungle that sits just outside our lanai, while the temperature in Sacramento reached 115ºF / 46ºC today.) With all its problems, Hawai’i really isn’t paradise. But it IS a place where kindness is a lot more common than anger, and that works for me.

Then there’s SPAM, an integral part of the beauty of Hawai’i. This is sodium-infused pink pork slurry, artfully cooked in the can. In case you didn’t know, in Hawai’i SPAM comprises its own food group on the food pyramid, on the same level as fruits, vegetables, dairy and bread/pasta. My breakfast yesterday was fried SPAM, cheese grits with a pat of butter and two fried eggs. Eat your heart out. Actually, it’s probably eating MY heart out. But hey, I have a whole cancer thing going on here. To also get wound up about cholesterol would be excessive: one health issue at a time, ok?

A typical supermarket display you might find on any of the islands…pure salt, pure delight

Returning, however, to the discussion of kindness, I had an appointment a few days ago at the Hilo Kaiser Permanente clinic to arrange for some of my cancer treatment to take place here. I’ve been impressed and touched by the levels of professionalism, respect and sheer kindness I’ve experienced not only here but also in Sacramento throughout this cancer adventure. I’ve said many times to the folks on my medical team that I so appreciate that they operate as healers, not just as medical functionaries.

In regard to my health situation, I can’t say I’m experiencing any serious symptoms at this point (and may that continue for many years to come!). The only real thing going on is a generally low energy level, probably as a result of the hormone therapy I’m getting. The other thing that’s happening is that these female hormones they’re injecting are giving me hot flashes. HOT FLASHES!!! They’re miserable. Now I have much empathy for the women in my life who have gone through menopause. Next I’ll be laying in a supply of Midol.

That brings me to what I’ve been thinking lately. Yes, I’m still pretty calm about things, but I do wonder how many times I can return comfortably to my island home and how much time I can spend here. I feel an occasional pain in my back and wonder “Is this it? Is this the beginning?” Then the pain goes away and I get a reprieve. The message: every single moment is precious. I admit that, with an awareness of crud-in-bones (ok, I’ll call it cancer to make it clear) constantly lurking under the surface, I simply cannot allow that awareness to overwhelm me and prevent my enjoyment of every moment that comprises the astounding blessing that is my life. When anxiety begins to rear its fretful head, I’ve learned to redirect its gaze from a pit of assumed misery to the open space of curiosity. That is, I don’t know what’s in store, and making assumptions is really unwise.

And I gaze often at my amazing and wonderful wife, so grateful for the time we have together. She’s so very strong and wise. I just hope that whatever comes causes her as little pain and difficulty as possible.

I have a distribution list to notify folks when I publish a new post (which can be infrequently). If you’re not already on the notification list, please just send an e-mail message to atpeacewithcancer@gmail.com with “Subscribe” in the subject line, and I’ll gladly put you on the list.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.

Mike

Normality

Human beings can get used to virtually anything, given plenty of time and no choice in the matter whatsoever.
Tom Holt

21 August 2022

OK. I’ll admit to having a bit of a guilt thing going on. A surprising number of people have said that this stuff I’m putting out has been worthwhile and even helpful to them. So now I’m feeling a responsibility to launch yet more stuff into the ether. But things have gotten so “normal,” together with a baseline of laziness on my part, that I haven’t been moved to write anything here.

So that got me to thinking. When I first got the cancer diagnosis, it was definitely discrepant information and I went into overdrive to incorporate it into my reality in a constructive way. It was a new, challenging, cage-rattling situation that stimulated a lot of thought. Now, some months later, the medical questions have been answered as well as they can be, I’m in a treatment regimen and I have no alarming symptoms that I can tell. This is the new normal. I certainly have an ongoing awareness of the presence of stuff in my bones, but at this point, it’s no big deal. I’m just living my life, generally having a pretty good time. Yeah, I still wonder what the future holds, and I wonder how close I am to the end of the conveyor belt. But until all that becomes immanent, I’m just cruising along.

And the fact is, that when “things” become immanent, I suppose that I’ll adapt to whatever that new normal will happen to be. I’m saying this based on my experience and my conviction that we as human beings are astoundingly adaptable if we allow ourselves to be. I’ve known folks who are incredibly resistant to change, and they cause themselves an awful lot of suffering, which is sad to see. Change simply happens. It’s the law of life. The reality of change isn’t going to change. So it just makes sense to embrace it rather than fight it.

In relation to adaptability, I was having a conversation recently with a dear friend, and we talked a bit about a wonderful experience I had in 2013, when I walked the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain. 800 km/500 mi, 5-1/2 weeks, anywhere from 10-25 km/6-17 mi per day. My friend asked what that was like, and the word that came immediately to mind was “normal.” I had a daily routine that simply became the norm as I walked through lovely landscapes, ate scrumptious food and met delightful people. In 1999, Joan and I quit our jobs, flew to Amsterdam, bought an old VW camper and spent almost an entire year traveling around Europe and living in our car. What was that like? Normal. After the initial excitement and trepidation, we just got used to finding campsites, living local and squeezing into a tiny bed every night.

So at the beginning of a new reality, things can be exciting or scary…or both. But after a while, we simply adapt if we allow ourselves to adapt. So how do I work on adapting to an impactful medical diagnosis (note my careful choice of wording)? Well, in the first place, denying it is pretty stupid: it’s simply there. It’s also not me to go into gnashing of teeth and loud lamentations…a waste of energy that would impede my ability to stay as happy and healthy as I can. Or I could ask “Why is this happening to me?” To me, that’s a really stupid question, another colossal waste of energy: It’s happening; there doesn’t have to be a why, and I’m not going to waste time spinning around trying to come up with a reason. (“God hates me.” Boy, there’s a pile of bullshit.) The real question is what do I do about this situation? The answer…adapt, stay happy and do what I can to support my health and well-being and, most importantly, be kind, compassionate and supportive to those around me.

Shifting topics, I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I was getting informed about near death experiences (NDEs), the nature of consciousness and recent research with psychedelics. What I’m finding is totally fascinating. I won’t go into all of it here, but I do want to introduce an idea…
It’s widely held that consciousness (thoughts, self-awareness, whatever makes us “us”) resides in and is controlled by the human brain (i.e., no brain, no consciousness). Well, there’s been quite a lot of verifiable scientific research (even in the area of quantum physics) that points to a different model. Perhaps consciousness is a phenomenon that exists independent of the brain. You might think of it as a field that surrounds and enfolds what we know of the universe. Some researchers even say that consciousness exists in eleven dimensions, as opposed to the three that we are aware of. It’s also been proposed that the brain is a filtering device that takes the overwhelming breadth of consciousness and filters (dumbs down?) that reality into a three dimensional framework that “we” can comprehend.

So that’s the kind of stuff I’ve been working with lately. All pretty amazing and encouraging.

Whoever you are, I wish you health, love, peace and joy in abundance.